Recreating Memories
by DarkShine07
Summary: [PreHP 1] Before Lily's wedding, she reminisces on her days with Snape. Sad and emotional. SnapexLily Slight mature content.


**A/n: This is an emotive oneshot I just up and decided to do while reading a different fic that mentioned Snape not being able to work to up the courage to tell Lily he loved her. I wanted to change that here. Hope it pleases.**

Recreating Memories

_That's when you held out your hand_

_And proved to me I was wrong,_

_Inside your palm was the key to my heart..._

_You had it all along._

_-Marsha Hoyt-_

///--///

The wedding dress hung in the too small closet, still enclosed in its protective plastic wrapping provided by the sellers. It wasn't a fancy or magnificent gown, just a long reaching dress with a hemming and tank top style shoulders. It looked nothing more than a brunch gown in fact. Below it on the floor was the pair of white heels that had also been purchased, they were but plain white. They were only two of the clothing items that Lily had bought for herself earlier that day. She always liked things to be rather plain, and so it showed. James had been slightly disappointed in her picks, for her dreamed of seeing her done up beautifully and elaborately like that of an angel. Lily hadn't a reply to this and was even a little hurt by it. It wasn't the dress that should be beautiful in her opinion. But she waved it off like she always did when James slipped up and commented in a negative way. He didn't mean too, he was only a man.

Lily now sat upon her bed in the small cottage that she and James had recently purchased. James hadn't been able to move in just yet and was currently still living with Remus and Sirius in the duplex they shared with a few other guys like themselves. Lily took the time alone to think about things. She had loved her time alone when she'd had it back in the Gryffindor common room. She often had stayed up beyond hours just sitting at the desk, writing occasionally but usually thinking or even drawing. Now this alone time allowed her to do so once again.

And of course her thoughts led her back to her oldest of friends of the past, Severus Snape. She bowed her head and let her mind wander. Back to the day when James and Sirius had shamelessly humiliated him with their cockamamie spell. She remembered telling them to stop, and then walking away when they had. She should've gone back and talked to Snape then, but she'd decided against it. Why? That she would peruse later. She remembered many times in their first three years at Hogwarts when they had shared quick glances and the occasional, strictly, friendly note. They would meet after classes and discuss their concerns with other students, assignments. So many memories of those young days. One of them being the time when she had bailed Severus out of detention for a particular event in which he'd miss aimed his wand while casting the levitating spell and had hit the cage of blast-ended screwts. The professors were running all over the school chasing them down, for the spell had been wrongly pronounced as well and had sent each screwt off in a different direction where they eventually slithered off. Rather or not punishment should be ensued was questioned but eventually one of the professors pronounced his anger clearly enough that a punishment was agreed upon, detention. Lily had come to Severus's rescue though, saying that a lack of skill for a spell did not deserve detention or punishment, rather after class tutoring from a teacher or more advanced student. The headmaster agreed and the punishment was cancelled. When Lily sought out Snape to inform him of his luck, he'd been so happy with her that he'd rushed quickly through his excitement and hugged her tightly, then kissed her. That was one of her favorite memories of the friendship.

But the time came when innocence flees from the young heart and mind. Things that they had never thought of as being childish or inappropriate, such as hugs when leaving to go to their own common rooms and such, were suddenly almost embarrassing if you were seen doing them. Image to the eye became more important and Severus let himself get caught up in acting cool for the Slytheryn gang. That eventually led to their end. Lily just couldn't bring herself to forgive Severus after he spoke ill of her. It hurt her heart when she heard him say what he did. An unmendable scar was cut and she couldn't apply enough ointment to it for the pain to go away. The only drug strong enough to help was time, and so she moved on and tried to forget and followed her fate. She came around to James Potter and had a productive friendship with him that developed into love. And now she was where she was.

She often thought that maybe things would have changed if she had forgiven Snape all those years ago. And that maybe their own friendship had been heading somewhere even greater. For no matter how close she ever felt to James, there was always the thought that it might be better were it Severus. She thought of their latest encounter, when Snape had reminded her of what could have been.

It had been raining that day, a dull rain that seems to drop in a pattern of sounds that repeat until you go crazy. James had proposed to her only a few weeks before and she'd accepted in glee. But word traveled to her old comrades from Hogwarts, and eventually the word found Snape in his bleak life. This news sparked his memories and his affection for the hope that Lily might have still liked him. The word that she was engaged nearly crushed him, and he felt that he finally understood why Lily had never forgiven him before. He felt the cut in his own heart being made, but it wasn't deep enough to scar just yet. He had enough hope left to make one final attempt to win the life he wanted. He left the Death Eaters unnoticed and headed directly to Lily's home. He arrived soon and when she answered the door to see him there, he saw in her eyes stiffness from fear.

Lily let her jaw drop in unease and muttered, "What…do you…Why are you here?"

Snape glanced inside of her home for any sign of Potter before answering. "News travels rather quickly, Lily. News of every sort and kind. So, you're to be wed?"

She nodded.

"May I come in?" Severus asked.

Again she nodded and stepped aside and walked past her as she shut the door behind him.

Severus saw her open closet and the wedding gown and pair of heels. How lovely, he thought, they would look on her. He never noticed they were dull and plain. He sat in a chair, the chair rather, for the cottage was rather empty without all the furniture of James's moved in. Lily moved to return to sitting on her bed, beside the chair, and followed Snape's gaze to the closest and tried not to blush.

"So, how have things been going?" She managed to ask.

Snape nodded. "Alright. Kind of busy with tasks to do. Oh, I have been thinking about applying the Defense of Dark Arts position at Hogwarts, though maybe not anytime soon. Just a whim."

Lily felt herself relax a little. "Yes, you always were good at Dark Arts." She was careful not to mention that that was what had led him on to being a Death Eater. As far as she was concerned, she wouldn't mention anything about his being a Death Eater.

"But you were good at Potions." Snape said, drifting a little. "Would you ever consider teaching that to Hogwarts' students?"

Lily shook her head. "No, no. Teaching is not the sort of thing I am good at. I tried teaching the levitating spell to you and…" She drifted off, remembering how that had turned out.

Severus thought back to that memory in his mind and smiled. He'd been such a dork back then. Couldn't even perform the levitating spell. But he'd gotten better and it became apparent that he had a knack for spells. He also remembered, he thought so, that he had kissed Lily then too, in excitement.

"That one time didn't work too well. But perhaps with better pupils…" Snape replied finally.

Lily smiled a little and kept quiet.

Snape decided to move on. "That is a beautiful gown that you bought." He motioned to the dress.

Lily looked at it and felt her cheeks warm slightly. "It's a little dull. James disapproved of it. I suppose he was right. It doesn't really accentuate any of my features or make me look nice."

Snape blinked slowly and his mind cursed James for saying such a thing. "Lily, it will not be the dress to make you look beautiful. It will be you that makes the dress look beautiful."

Lily looked him directly in the eye for the first time since she'd first seen him that day, and saw sincerity in his eyes. That had come from his heart.

"Thank you." She said quietly. In response he put his hand on her knee and smiled, something he rarely did.

"You're welcome."

Outside the rain started beating harder, like a drum, and Lily felt her mind being refreshed. The pattern before was gone and she felt a new song beginning. Snape nodded, as if reading her mind and stood up, grasping her hand and pulling slightly. She stood up too and wondered what he was up to as he led her across the room and towards the door. Out they went and into the rain. Lily hadn't taken time to just stand in rain in a long time. But she remembered a time long before when she and Snape had stood in the rain together back at Hogwarts. It had been a thunderstorm in fact, and it had been a dance. A dance to sound and light. She let go of Snape's hand and stepped out from beneath the roofing of the cottage. The cold droplets of water pounded onto her skin and made her smile. Freedom was what this was called. She felt a thrill through her body, joy ness, and she threw up her hands and twirled. Severus watched her and let himself smile again. Twice in a day was extremely rare. But Lily had always had that effect on him. He walked out to her and caught her as she spun in his arms. She stopped and felt his hands on her back, but it didn't feel wrong to her. She watched the rain fall onto his face and roll down his cheeks. He wore that smile, and looked up at the sky. The clouds were only growing darker.

"Perhaps we'd be better off inside." Lily said, noticing the grayness of the clouds.

"Maybe so." Snape agreed, again he led her by the hand, back to the cottage.

Inside, Lily took off the sweater that she had been wearing, for it was wet and damp, making her shiver. She threw it into the closest, telling herself to remember to pick it up later. Snape watched wearily to the side, shyness returning slightly to his character. But Lily had changed since he'd last seen her, for the better. She was very beautiful to his eye now, and he wriggled his toes a little anxiously.

Lily turned back to him and walked closer. "Severus, thank you for coming to visit."

Snape didn't like her tone. It was that of a teacher getting ready to dismiss a student.

"I…Lily, I came here at first to convince you not to get married. Especially to James." He saw Lily's face darken slightly in disbelief. "But, since I've come, I've had a change of heart. If you really think that this is the right thing to do then…" He wasn't sure how to continue, and frankly he wasn't sure how he even started. Where had that come from? He'd still love to convince her not to marry.

Lily felt relieved. "Oh, well…thank you very much for you concern, Severus. I assure you, I've thought this over thoroughly more than once, and…"

Snape closed the distance between them and hugged her, spontaneously. Lily slowly hugged back, not sure what she had done to get a hug. Severus pulled his head back and kissed her, just a soft lip touch, but enough for Lily to get a sense for what he was truly feeling.

"I still love you." Severus said quietly after moving a breath away.

Lily nearly froze with stiffness. Shock. And yet, expected. She couldn't take her eyes away from Snape's own and felt a strange sense taking control of her. She kissed him now, enjoying the chance to pretend that there wasn't anything else in the world. Pleased, Severus accepted this kiss and returned it. He hadn't ever been much of a kisser or even much of a romantic, but this was better than just that. He led her to the bed and the ordeal progressed with love. But Lily slowly saw the real world through her closed eyelids. She saw the wedding gown, the shoes, and James. Then she saw Severus over her and the bed beneath her, and the scene of what would happen should anyone knock on the door and enter. No, this couldn't happen.

"Severus, no…" She whispered just barely audible.

But he heard her and retreated from her neck to look at her. He already knew what was coming.

"No, it's too late for this Severus. We had our chance, and we both made our mistakes."

He saw the tear forming beside her right eye and felt guilty for putting her through such a compromising decision. He fell down beside her on the bed and was still. She turned to face him with her watery eyes.

"What good would this do us? I'm engaged…"

"But you don't have to do it, if you don't want to." Severus whispered with grief.

"I couldn't hurt James."

Severus sighed. "But you were able to hurt me."

Lily finally let the tears roll down. "That was long ago, and you had hurt me first."

Severus nodded, not wanting a fight. "I was wrong. You're the only thing that could make me happy now. But I will live."

Lily nodded through her tears, not making a sound.

Snape got up and went to the door. Before he opened it, Lily stopped him. She gave him one last kiss and whispered to his ear, "I still love you too."

He smiled and then opened the door and left, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

And now Lily remembered that day, the love that was never made. It had been her last chance to give him another chance, and in the end she came to the same conclusion as always. He was a Death Eater. And James loved her too. Sometimes she wished she didn't have to pick between them, but what twisted world would that be, where you didn't have to choose between two, when there weren't any wrongs you regretted or a past you wished not to change, nor any hopeless loves that were never to be. That was not a world, but heaven. And she hadn't yet earned a place to join those beyond the Gates.

She cried now. She let her tears spill forth once again, wishing she could go back and change her words that night when Snape had begged forgiveness. She thought that that would have stopped him from becoming a Death Eater, and she could have had a happy life with him. But, it was not to be. She heard the sound of voices outside and easily recognized them. She wiped away her tears quickly and stood, straightening herself and pushing away her memories. Severus would have to wait to return to her mind. James was here now.


End file.
